wedontneedears

“Live each day as if it's your last', that was the conventional advice, but really, who had the energy for that? What if it rained or you felt a bit glandy? It just wasn't practical. Better by far to simply try and be good and courageous and bold and to make a difference. Not change the world exactly, but the bit around you. Go out there with your passion and your electric typewriter and work hard at...something. Change lives through art maybe. Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well. Experience new things. Love and be loved, if you ever get the chance.”

what an interesting, awkward night. (two things that don’t normally go together)

as I go to bed I’m feeling particularly reflective. if there’s anything I’ve gleaned from my role as an observer in tonight’s conversation, it’s this: growing up makes you wiser, but not necessarily any less complicated. the wisdom may pile up but so do the tangled webs, the recurring issues, the pain. I guess the illusion that time makes everything better is just that - an illusion. some things never go away. 

i feel like tonight, so many things i’ve struggled to forget are resurfacing, and the emotions are returning me like it was just yesterday. everything is clear and stark, not the fuzzy haze of a memory I’ve tried to squash down in my brain for far too long. the sadness, the utter confusion - oh, and did I mention the sadness? I repress, instead of relieving, because repressing for me means dulling the pain and that’s always an easier, if not better, alternative. 

i am  thankful to have two parents who love me so but the hatred between them stuns me everytime I think about it. I never want to be like that, 50 and bitter and malicious and wondering what the last 25 years could have been. I promise I will find someone to love wholeheartedly. (well, I already do) the last few days have been hopeful but, also, tentative: so many topics I want to address, I don’t know how to address, I can’t even begin to broach. I’m scared to start because I know if I do it’ll all come spilling out. an unyielding, overflowing, cascading broken dam. and I refuse to allow myself to be that vulnerable. and also - where to even begin? a few days of escapism isn’t enough to soothe years of pain. 

feel like I am discovering myself, and my thoughts, for the very first time. oh, to be 20 and as self aware as some of the women I met today. I haven’t had a thought provoking talk with someone in the longest time, and I yearn for it now. I want to peel back the layers, uncover the depths of everything I am. there is more to me, i know it i know it. my process of self discovery has yet to even begin. what makes me different? what makes me…me? I’ve struggled with this for so long. 

no more spewing of thoughts for now because it’s nearly two am, and because I am absolutely exhausted from walking around. for now, a magnificent city, and concert, awaits